Saturday, December 26, 2009

TARDIS Picture

Remember me speaking about this before?
Well, I did it. ^__^

Excuse the dodgy quality.... The uhh, TARDIS was distorting reality.

Jack Bauer Power!!

I'd just like to tell you about my latest obsession!!
24 is one of the most brilliant shows I've ever seen!!!
It's intense as all hell!!

I suggest you go hire it or something, you will get completely hooked!!

Now I know what you're thinking.. well, I'll pretend too xD
"As if I want to watch a show about fighting terrorists."
Coz, I had that initial reaction myself.
But after watching the first disk of season one, I was completely and utterly hooked!!
It's amazing!!

Jack Bauer is the most badass, coolest, man EVER.
He owns the SHIT of Chuck Norris.
In ways you can't even imagine.
Seriously, I can't explain it.

Even Dave Mustaine approves ^__^
And he's one of the most metal homedogs out.

Monday, December 7, 2009


See... It's great knowing that no one reads these blogs of mine.. and I mean NO ONE...
But when it comes to times like these... I really need an outsiders advice.

But.. I'll just put it out on the internet.. it will be floating in the waves... and perhaps some alien or something somewhere will pick it up.

Now, I'm generally enjoying life.. things are actually going really well!
Had a really awesome weekend!
But... unfortunately my past has bled through and disrupted the peace.
And it's.. well... driving me to... anger and depression.
It kills me....
And seeing as no one reads these anyway.. I'll just come right out and say it.
An ex of mine, basically raped me. Repeatedly. For the whole time we were together.
And this also bought up dark memories from my childhood that bought me to extreme and violent depression.. and he knew, he knew all the while.
This ex of mine.. his face and voice has haunted me... right up until this day.. and all I want to do is rid him from my life.
But no, it's completely and utterly impossible.
Seeing as my best friend, and love of life, Rik is rather good friends with him.
Granted, they were best friends before I came along.
And that is what makes my decision hard.
The break up was difficult on Rik especially about that fact that he had to hear about what his best friend was doing to his other best friend, me.
And well, Rik cannot stand for rapists. He also knows about what happened to me in my past as well.
And well, I felt awful about tearing their 'best-friendship' apart, because Rik refused to talk to him.
So, in attempts to make it all easier... I started talking to the ex again.
Which completely backfired, and Rik and the ex started ALSO talking again.. and start hanging out again.
So now I have to deal with them hanging out again, quite a lot.
Rik doesn't tell me, but the ex does.
Or pictures show up.. and Rik posts online about the ex and says he's one of his favourite friends.
It kills me, tears me apart from the inside.... brings me to tears...
I don't know how to deal with this...

No matter what, I just can't escape my fucking past.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Doctor Who, HEY!

I have come up with an uber cool idea for I photo I'd like to create! Of myself that is!!
I WILL be in that TARDIS.

Gahh, super excited! He bought me doritos, dip and a coke today! with a hand full of Peter Davison Doctor Who dvds!!! Can't get cooler than that ;DD

Man, I'm a bit annoyed though... my webcam is no where to be found.

Last night I found myself struggling to wrap my head around the concept of time... It makes no logical sense what-so-ever; take the Doctor Who episode 'The Fires of Pompeii'.. Now we all know about Pompeii and the giant arse volcano that wiped it out. But (I know it is completely far fetched) but according to this episode right, It was the Doctor who caused the eruption. Of course, he had no idea that it was him... he just knew about the disaster like the rest of us.. But when he goes there, the day before volcano day.. he discovers the Pyroviles and what not... that of course, is irrelevant. But any who, he causes it. He causes on of the biggest devastations known to man.
So just imagine..lets say... the Bali Tsunami.. we're all well acquainted with that.. we all saw what happened, and the world was in shock about for years afterwards... imagine finding out that, that was caused by you in the future..with the possibility of preventing it.. you travelling back in time, but the actions you make are what causes it.. so if you had never attempted to save the place, it would never have happened.
Time is a very confusing subject.

I'm a fool.

He is the greatest to have ever happened to me.
How could I be such a retard and doubt him?

He is my BEST friend..
What was I thinking?!

Yeah, so what if he wasn't there on those few occasions.. compared to the rest of the years we've known each other!!?
He has usually ALWAYS been there for me when I needed him! 
He got up at stupid hours of the morning when I was sick in a completely different state just to make sure I was okay! He walked all the way to my house at 11pm (in this area, that's saying something) to hold me while I cried, when I was at the height of my confusion about both my fathers moving to separate sides of the country.. I looked up and there he was.. The thought of me being unhappy made him unhappy and he'd do anything in his power to me me happy again.. cheering me up was always one of his greater skills... Even when my poor health takes a hold of me, he makes me happy through msn!! Who the hell does that?!
He knows me probably better than anyone, yeah he's made his mistakes.. But quite clearly he's learning... what an amazing young man he is...
I love him more than words can say..
he is my best friend,  forever and always.

I will love you, with every beat of my heart. (8)

Well hey.

Okay, enough of this rediculous emo bollocks.
Ever since I decided to let my problems go and just take them as they come, my life has been amazingly better!
Like, you can not begin to imagine!!
I'm actually feeling happiness again!
I was so desperate to be with the one I loved, I blinded myself!
I knew this guy more than anyone, how could I not see what I was doing to him?!
Pressure makes him turn and run the other way, and I (as well as friends) were laying they pressure on him hard. And it scared the complete shit outta him. Pushed him away, killed probably whatever feeling was left.
And then, after nearly all hope was lost, I woke up and saw what I was doing.
How could I be so stupid?! So I spoke to him, and removed all pressure, allowed him to breathe.
And low and behold, guess what came flooding back!?
Our friendship was completely reignited! and even the flirting was happening again.. and with a force.
Everything is actually healthy again! And it's great!
I've never been happier!
Things are going amazing, we're not together or anything, but we're very close again.. neither of us quite willing to risk what we have for the sake of love... who knows what it'd turn out like.

I've decided to stop trying to make things happen, but let them take their natural course, and if its meant to be... then it will happen, enough said.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

Fuck cunt balls.

Okay, here's the fucking deal right?
I'm stressed to the god damn max.
I don't have time to worry about silly things, like people changing or whatever, I have enough shit to worry about.
I have a million things to do, by abooooouuuttt... tomorrow?
Hopefully monday.
I've got... 4 TAFE assignments due.
2 English.
1 IPP.
1 Aus Studies.

Most TAFE shit is wanted tomorrow..  which is, just great you know?
Coz if I don't get that done, I also fail VOC. And HELLOOOOO year 13.
Fuck that.

On top of that, I've also got those homelife problems, that really do bloody suck.
Can't go into that though, it's pretty heavy.

And one of the last things.. anyone who's actually been in LOVE would understand this.. and I don't mean.. crushes and infactuation or whatever... I mean love. Where you'd sacrifice anything for their happiness... you'd follow them to the ends of the Earth. When they're in love with another, you bring them together.. because just to see them happy, you'll deal with any pain.
To go on forever.. watching them fall in and out of love with your friends and who ever else comes around..
You don't get jealous and spiteful... I mean, sure.. you're upset.. he doesn't love you, he loves another.
But if that is what makes him happy, so be it... and hey.. just maybe one day he'll turn around and see you've been waiting for him.. and just maybe, he'll be in love with you.
And he'll come to terms with that fact, take your hand in his... then never let go.
Because no one would know him better than you do, and no one would know you better the he does.
The perfect match.. If you weren't, you wouldn't be best friends.
That, is what I mean by love.
It's difficult to describe... but that'll just have to do.
See that situation I just decribed? That's the hell my heart is going through right now.
Difference being, I let him know..
Let him know everything..
And i'm still waiting for that fucking reply.
Does he feel the same? I think he does.. I've been told he does...
But I just can't believe it... Not till it gets proven.
Which is yet to happen...
I still feel he's in love with one of my best friends though (Which, I'm not holding anything against her for! I love her to bits! It's his doing, not hers)
And this guy, I love him to bits.. he really is my everything (as creepy as it sounds) he's my best friend.. and he means the world to me.. but as a friend of mine stated today, he has fucked me over numerous times.
Most people wonder how i'm still in love with him... after all the things he's put me through.. and all the things i've done for him, but never really got 'repaid'..
But, I just do. All that crap may have happened...
But I also see the side of him no one else seems too.... the sweet, caring, intelligent, affectionate...and quite frankly, sad.. side of him.
Who actually is there when I need him... when i'm upset.. he always manages to make me feel better... well.. most the time... but yeah, you get the picture.

But I feel like i'm living in the dark, reaching blindly... but finding nothing.. even the ground is slowly slipping away....